We have been sadly speaking a lot in our house about men dying by suicide lately, one of those numbers in the statistics has become a name, and a face for us.
Coincidently on Tuesday, The Office for National Statistics released its numbers and it found that the suicide rate among men has hit a two-decade high in England and Wales. So, I cannot make the topic about anything else this week, I am talking about this because this is a feminist topic.
(Here is the video or you can keep reading! or do both!)
I will always defend that men should be feminists because it is the right thing to do. Even if there was nothing in it for them they should support enthusiastically and unapologetically the movement because half of the population deserves better. That should be enough. But even those who disagree with that assessment should also be feminist, and they should do it for selfish reasons. The patriarchy is killing them!
I am talking about a society that strips men from everything associated with feminine from very very early stages (parents comfortable with their BABY son wearing a pink outfit in public please raise your hands!). The problem is that the association of what belongs to who is arbitrary and absurd in most cases (like the colour pink, for example), and some of the inherently human things that men are forbidden to embrace on the name of manhood can actually improve their lives, and in some cases, save it.
If I ask around who is more emotional, men or women, there will be an overall consensus that it's women. I hope you are all visualising Bridget Jones eating ice-cream in tears. But when asking parents of both boys and girls about specifically their 2 kids the answers are much more diverse, and if something, my feeling is that it gravitates towards the opposite. But of course that changes at some point. Women are indeed perceived as more emotional because they show their emotions more and have fewer limitations to express them, while men carry a social penalty of some sort if they express them, so they bottle them up. Men are tough that toughness is their currency, the same way women's is beauty.
I love the way Gloria Steinem explains it "There is a full circle of human qualities we all have a right to, and men are confined to the ‘masculine’ ones, which are seventy per cent, and women are confined to the ‘feminine’ ones, which are thirty per cent. Women are missing more, but men are still missing a lot." I will add to this that men, despite their privilege, have a disadvantage in this situation and face extra strong societal barriers of access to those feminine areas.
Girls and women take some sort of pride being identified as tomboys, being one of the guys... there is a sense of achievement and almost upgrade to be accepted in the men's group as a peer. We talk about the empowerment of women when they are conquering male-dominated areas, when they are demanding their legitimate place in the desk. But what positive words do we have for men when they are making the journey in the other direction? .
Women through history have been wrecking walls that kept them away from a better place (a lot of times legal walls!) a place of money, power, sexuality... I am not saying that those places are always easy, but they are very socially rewarded and valued and they come with choices. These is little reward or incentive for for men when society has made it very clear who is winning and who is not?
It is relatively easy and instinctive to tell your daughter that she should aim to be whatever and whoever she wants, that she can be the superhero that saves the day too. Are we doing the same with our boys? Are we putting twice the effort to educate them emotionally because once they go in the big bad world they will need to overcompensate the monotonous message about what manhood looks like? Does it feel like we are telling them that they can also be less? That they don't have to be as much? Have we bought into the stupid idea of what is more and what is less?
Even those who refuse women in "masculine" arenas respect, in a way, the "balls" that granted them a place there. They value all the qualities that those women needed to get there (determination, bravery, resilience...) because they consider that those qualities are, indeed masculine. But for those same people, it is considered a shame the man who dreams to be the main caregiver, the man who puts relationships and mental health before success and career, the one who prefers connections above admiration. And how much they are missing out with that lack of choice.
I love men. Sometimes I think that I love men more than most men! I love them and want more for them and from them. And because I love them I know that their narrative of manhood is not enough, even if it is more privileged than womanhood. But because it is framed in a space of victory, of more, of better, it is more difficult to escape, who would want to downgrade? Who wants to give up power, measured in toughness, if vulnerability is perceived as its biggest enemy, weakness.
We need to do better, we need to explore why men are dying by suicide every day. We need to have the difficult talks and try to figure things out. Men need to be aware of what they are lacking and the importance of it and keep each other accountable to build something better, to redefine what they want the expression"to be a man" to mean for them and the generations to come.
I am going to challenge you today, now, to write to a man or a group of men about the suicide rate in men. To ask them what they think about it, what they think there is behind it all, how they see things changing. It all starts with a conversation.
45 comments
Men’s get help women sexual bit man and rape by men I don’t agree with mental man get help with suicide
I’m not sure why this article has angered some men. It’s clear it has come from a place of empathy & unconditional positive regard. The person states that she loves men. You can’t be angered because it’s pointed out that we are born with privilege. We are. Of course, it’s harmful to suggest that just because you are a man you cannot be vulnerable and you are by default privileged, but the author does not do that. There are ethnic minority, female LGBT people who can be more privileged than a white male (as an example) but in general they won’t be. Intersectionality is complex. This is the right type of feminism. Men should get behind the feminists who are fighting for equality, & that includes inequality men face. How can some men not see that society will be better for us too if everything is equal. These patriarchal systems hurt us too! Think about it!! Why are women always the default care giver on the birth of a child! Because they get better maternity rights. My organisation pay men 4 weeks & women 1 year. By fighting for men’s rights not only do we have equality but women and men can have a choice that isn’t pressured by financial factors. Win/win. I know some amazing feminists. They believe men should get the choice to financially abort a child under certain contexts. Her body, her choice, and his life, his choice. That’s not a group fighting for power like some weak men think.
Do I wish feminists would call out some of the radical extremist within the movement, yes, I think they are dangerous & cause some men to generalise the whole movement as misandrists… Taylor Swift & Emma Watson have made positive statements about the danger of this radical strand. It’s a wonderful movement, & this was a great article, & to all the men out there, why wouldn’t you want your Mothers, Sisters, Daughters, Aunties, Girlfriends, Wife’s, & Friends to be treated with respect, given equal opportunity, & in some cases given additional protections to support their vulnerabilities? We are all human beings! If you don’t want a fair society there is something wrong with you!
I think posts like this go a long way in encouraging men to be allies. If more feminist social media pages, journalists, activists & organisations just made male inequalities 15% of the narrative, it would work in the movements favour.
Feminists have been trying to bait men in with platitudes like these for over a decade. If you want men to open up and discuss their problems, you have to condition women to stop dehumanizing them for it. Men talk with men about their trouble from time to time, with the objective being to resolve the problem. Women just don’t sympathize with men in this regard. We’ve seen men framed as privileged, idiots, pigs, predators, and dogs for 35 years. An entire generation of women have being raised to believe as much. Simultaneously, they’ve been taught to believe they are themselves inherently strong, independent, powerful, smart, beautiful, and brave. The polarization of these two perspectives cannot inspire any commonality. The spread is worsening, as men recognize progressive movements do absolutely nothing for them, and wiuld rather lean into divisive creators who are, at the very least, their own benefactors. Men can’t reach across the table any further. The rule for men, until recently, was to disproportionately worship, protect, and serve women, and they’ve been summarily brutalized for both enacting, and rejecting, that behavior in a hotcha-game where all paths lead to misogyny. You have, at best, 10 years time before the last vestiges of tradirional men are completely gone, and replaced with the types who will solely serve themselves, the same way how women have been taught to serve themselves since the mid-80’s.
The issue of male suicide is absolutely a feminist topic, because feminism cares about equality between men and women, and the impact that gender norms and patriarchy has on everyone. It’s so disheartening to see some men respond to genuine concern for men with outright hatred, and what appears to be ignorance about what feminism is and stands for. But of course, it serves patriarchy to keep men thinking this way and doubting even the women and feminists who explicitly care for and want a better society for them, and it can be very hard to get some people to see that the very views they express are what harms them, not those they attack with those views.
Another passive aggressive attack at men, this time by trying to patronise and placate.
As a man i have always fiercely defend all marginalised people in society (due to sexuality, race, colour, religion, the poor, etc. etc.) but more importantly with regards to this topic women’s right to live is this world as they chose, and most importantly be respected.
Modern feminism is a scourge on society though as it tends to be an aggressive, angry, prejudicial, bitter attack on men (the vast majority of whom are just like me) and it’s fundamental goal is to make ALL men pay for the mistakes of a few. Misandry is real and killing my fellow sex and is quite frankly disgusting, and by trying to patronise men (like this article has) it just makes it even more insulting.
My simple message to women is this – misandry is a hate crime just like any other, and those that support it should be utterly ashamed. It’s utterly unforgivable.
You sound like you don’t understand men at all.
How DARE you claim the topic of male suicide as a FEMINIST topic? You don’t speak for us, you don’t understand us, & you have zero ownership over a topic affecting men.
The narcissism of feminists just get worse every year.
Get bent, & stay in your own damn lane.
The comments on here are the definition of toxic. So to add something positive; I found this article very uplifting. I grew up with the notion that men don’t matter, that we should just be able to put up with crap and had no right to complain. Needless to say, this isn’t healthy.
By contrast, this article shows a very modern and progressive feminism that recognises that men too need direction and nurturing. I’ve always argued that sexism is a societal issue, and not borne from gender. That is to say; a holistic approach is needed, rather than just telling men they suck.
I happened upon this article after a recent experience which again made me feel like I didn’t matter. Reading the line “I love men” was affirming and uplifting and reminded me of my self-worth. If this message was spread more generously (and indeed, if some of the other posters here allowed themselves to hear it) then I believe the world would be a better place.
Thank you for your compassion and helping me through this day.
I feel like suicide, and I have been contemplating it for sometime. To me the femanists are winning, the alienation and demonisation of men, the scorn for being a man, makes me not what to live. The rule of femanism and the eradication of men. I understand not all femaists think this, but in NZ where I live the type of femanism is a deep dislike towards white cis men. We are framed as the enemy. TBH I wake up daily and the first thing I think of is sucide. Mentally standing up to these forces has destroyed me. I feel defeated by femanism and my daily thoughts are to finish myself.
This is a feminist website and you notice who isn’t commenting and doesn’t care about this topic – women ….. That tells you all you need to know about how much women care about men committing suicide
Men need their own movement that has nothing to do with feminism.m
Not anti-feminist; just, about men.
Not to disagree with or even comment on your sisterhood, but rather for our brotherhood.
Can I tell you that I was a homeless, meth-addicted, petty criminal for 4 years? I almost committed suicide. I almost committed homicide (against a woman, in fact)!
And I almost spent half of my life in prison. I got away with almost everything, and yes, yes my crimes do include (relatively minor, non-rape) sex crimes. I did premeditate but ultimately did not carry out the most heinous of crimes: rape-slaying a woman who used to be my friend.
I don’t want you to go through what I went through that made me into such a monster. If you had any idea what the scary men who would rape or kill you…any idea at all what OUR oppression is…I think your movement would be a little different. I’m not talking about rich, mostly-white patriarchs. I’m talking about men like myself.
Abusive mother, abusive girlfriends, couple women (yes, women) kidnapped me at gun point and stole my car. Plenty of violent men who would kill or rape other men. I was actually raped twice: once by a woman (it happens more than you’d think), and once by another man.
And after all that…I just HATED your movement. It honestly sucks all the emotional space in the room and does a disservice to poor-black, white-trash, ghetto-Asian, and barrio-Latino men.
The men that there is no movement for. The men everyone crosses to the other side of the street when they see.
Now…now I’ve found the church. And the Republican Party, as a matter of fact! Turns out, conservative institutions DO care about the criminal man. (‘Tough-on-crime’ was a left-center, Clinton-era abomination).
I’m not against sisterhood. I’m not against second-wave feminism. I just can’t stand being called ‘oppressor’ by angry college girls who haven’t the faintest idea.
You do not know the half of the abuse.
And I don’t know the half of your frustration with rich, asshole men. (They fear me in person).
But please, don’t oppose a movement that is for men. A movement that will probably be a little more conservative…a little more masculine.
It would benefit you too.